Emerging From My ‘Fourth Trimester’ After My Second Baby With A Lot Of Mixed Feelings
I posted on Instagram recently (please give me a follow while you’re there!) that I was really happy to be done with the dreaded ‘fourth trimester’ but I had a lot of mixed feelings about it too.
If you’re not familiar with the concept, then let me give you a brief explanation: human babies are the only mammals in the world that are born not fully developed i.e. being able to do things like walk, feed, see, and hear properly. A lot of the physical development for a newborn baby happens outside the womb and is completely dependent on its caregivers for nourishment and survival. It’s a very significant period of development, marked with weekly milestones just like when a woman is pregnant, and so the first three months are often referred to as the ‘fourth trimester’.
I say the ‘fourth trimester’ is dreaded because it is honestly kind of insane to think about what a woman endures during these first three months. A newborn baby basically feeds around the clock and after each feed it’s very likely to poop, feel hungry, and want to feed again. Now just imagine a woman who’s just given birth — sore and in pain — has to bounce back right away, survive on little to no sleep and provide nourishment for the baby on average every 1.5-2 hours. That’s not even the worst part. Learning how to breastfeed is, in my opinion. First, a baby isn’t born knowing how to latch to the breast and has to be taught to do so correctly, and second, a woman’s body doesn’t always automatically make enough milk and/or it isn’t always the smoothest process — many women have very painful issues such as clogged ducts, mastitis, and yeast infections or have to deal with supply issues. And sometimes breastfeeding just doesn’t work out and the emotional turmoil of that on a new mom is self-explanatory.
I know you might be thinking I’m being way too dramatic. And I admit it I am. But I’m not stating the obvious to get a pat on the back. I’m stating it because can we at least acknowledge how crazy it is to expect a woman to be a functioning, normal human so soon after having a baby?
Well, I’ll say it: I did not feel normal for a very, very long time. I honestly just felt like a cow on a feeding schedule for the first six weeks. With my first baby I remember there were days I wanted to give my baby formula instead of feeding him directly (I also had infections and experienced a lot of pain when feeding) so I could nap. Sleeping is all I cared about. I felt pretty detached from him and didn’t really feel much joy about being a mom until a few months later. I’m pretty sure I had postpartum blues (maybe even depression but I was never diagnosed). The second time while I had a good handle on being sleep deprived and the whole breastfeeding thing went a lot better because I knew what to expect and what to do, I had a whole set of other emotional issues. I didn’t trust anyone to help me with or watch my baby. I didn’t want to leave home or go anywhere (even doctor’s appointments gave me anxiety). And add to that the responsibility of making sure my older son doesn’t feel neglected or get jealous of his new baby sister, left me feeling stretched pretty thin between two kids until I found a good balance recently.
Reflecting on the experiences with both my kids, I see that the ‘fourth trimester’ is an instant crash course in parenting. I was put through hard physical, mental and emotional experiences from the moment my baby was born to quickly develop the endurance, patience, and strength needed to be able to successfully provide for my offspring and ensure successful development in the long-term.
The silver lining is that the ‘fourth trimester’ ends — and for the most part — on a high note after enduring the stresses and exhaustion that can make up the first few weeks with a newborn. I also feel there are smaller milestones in those first 12 weeks that make all the pain and sleepless night worth it like baby’s first smile or when they begin to coo and ‘talk’ or when they give mom and dad the gift of a long stretch of sleep (around 8-10 weeks if you’re wondering;)). There is light at the end of the seemingly tunnel and there is lots to celebrate too.
So here I am at the end of my ‘fourth trimester’ feeling very happy and relieved that it’s over. I am slowly beginning to feel a bit more like my old self and focusing more on non-baby related things such as fitness, blogging, seeing my friends and family, spending more time with my older son, and in general, having some kind of daily routine beyond being a cow (haha). I am happy but feeling a bit unsure too. I am very aware of the fact that I just had a baby three months ago — am I ready (mentally and emotionally) for a totally normal life? Or do I want to stay in my newborn bubble for a little longer? What does my future as a mom of two look like? What do I want it to look like?
I have so many feelings and thoughts: If I do jump back into a normal routine with freelance work, then I’m sacrificing precious time and moments with my baby. And there is a part of me that is still quite protective (and possessive!) over her. I also have my older son to think about. Navigating life with two kids is forcing me to slow down and I’m not used to it — before I know it the day’s ended and all I have done is ‘mom stuff’ and I’m too tired to do the things I wanted to for myself. And I don’t want to be too tired or stressed because then I’m afraid of not giving my family my best self. Like I said, I have lots of thoughts.
But I finally decided to make a deal with myself to stop looking for a definitive answer for what I need to do with my life at this juncture. If the answer hasn’t presented itself, then it simply means that I’m in a state of transition and I need to take each day as it comes, see where it takes me, evaluate how I feel, be in the moment and have faith I’ll figure it all out eventually.
