What Millennial Parents Wish They Were “Warned” About Before Having Kids

This topic has been on my mind for months, if not years. Before I became a parent I read so many blog posts and articles about the things new parents wish they knew about becoming a parent before it actually happened. And it shocked me to see how different the answers were each time a post in this topic came up. Now that I’m a parent — I get it.

Parenthood feels a lot like swimming in the ocean and hoping to reach the “other side” but you never quite do; you get hit by new waves of obstacles and milestones that push you forward a little and then pull you back a little so that you’re always just floating somewhere in the middle (maybe hoping you don’t drown!).

It might sound like a sad analogy but that’s exactly what parenthood feels like to me: trying to navigate through an endless ocean of new challenges, obstacles, confusion, happiness, milestones, emotions and more. The simple truth is there is no “other side”. Once you take a dive into the ocean of parenthood, you have to “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming” as one of my most favourite animation characters, Dory the forgetful blue fish, says.

via GIPHY

I reached out to my parent community online to try and understand better what are some of the things they wish they knew before becoming parents and, like I said, the answers are always so different. I’m also sharing some of my own insights. So here’s hoping you might find the list below helpful, humorous, encouraging, discouraging, anger-inducing or maybe a little bit of everything. 

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Your time no longer belongs to you. It now belongs to your kids and family first. 

I think this is one of the toughest transitions to make when becoming a parent. You have this whole life and routine and all your time is accounted for before becoming a parent. It’s great because you choose how and where to spend your time. When a child comes along that’s no longer the case because suddenly your child and their needs dictate how your time is spent. Taking time for your personal stuff such as work, gym, social life etc all takes a major backseat during the first few months with a new baby. It eventually gets easier to manage and balance your time between family and yourself but it remains a constant battle for every parent. 

Whenever you plan to go out (with or without kids) it is not quick and not easy…at all. It takes some serious advanced planning and strategising. You’ll have a million questions running through your head and mental check-list to make sure you have all your bases covered. 

Before becoming a parent you could just go out to grab a quick coffee or go out for lunch or run an errand without a second thought. And now with a baby or child to also think about there are many, many thoughts. If you’re not around, who’s going to look after the baby? Do you take the baby with you? Is it nap time? Is it feeding time? Where will all of these activities happen? In the car? In the mall? What time suits the kids? 

Thinking like this takes some getting used to and it’s a bit frustrating in the beginning because you’ve been used to having the freedom and ability to do things and go places without a second thought. And now you have to schedule in a family strategy planning session followed by internal monologue and mental checklist ticking off before you can go anywhere. 

Mom guilt feels like a real thing. But it’s mostly self-created because we seek perfection for our children but in reality raising kids is anything but perfect — it’s a set of compromises and decisions parents have to make each and every day and be okay with.

Mom guilt can feel like a real thing. It can consume you when you’re making any small or big decision for your child; you feel “guilty” because you feel like you’re not doing enough or doing your best. But the truth is you are. Most parents are always doing their best because that is what you are wired to do to ensure the well-being of your offspring. So I feel like mom guilt is self-created (read my post here) in most cases. Most moms (and parents in general) really have nothing to feel guilty about because raising a child is all about making compromises so that you can truly do and be your best — there is no such thing as the perfect parent. 

Babies need so much stuff. Like it’s a lot more than you ever thought. There’s about three different devices alone for a newborn’s sleeping needs! 

Newborns are the tiniest things you’ll ever set your eyes on. How much stuff can they possibly need? Turns out it’s a lot. Like a lot, a lot. I remember thinking I was super prepared and had everything I could possibly need when I brought my son home from the hospital. Nope. My husband had to run out to the store and pick up even more stuff (read this post if you’re curious to learn more about what a baby needs during their first year). But as babies grow up they (thankfully!) need less “stuff”. 

Don’t be afraid to let babies start trying new things such as sitting in a car seat, using bottles / pacifiers, being in a carrier, looking at books etc early on. 

Bringing a new baby home almost feels like putting out your best china or crystalware  — you are deathly afraid someone is going to break it. I think a lot of moms (myself included) are too afraid to let their newborns and young babies do things such as sit in a car seat or be in a baby carrier or start using a bottle because they feel like it can negatively affect or hurt the baby somehow. But that’s not true at all. Babies are so much stronger and resilient than you can imagine. Don’t be afraid to try new things and habits with your baby — it makes it a lot easier for them to get used to it. Definitely check with your pediatrician before making any major changes in your baby’s routine. 

A fed baby is a happy baby — it does not matter how you feed the baby whether it’s breastmilk or formula. Seriously, relax. 

I think this is one of the biggest disillusions new moms have about having a baby is being an expert at breastfeeding from day one. It’s quite an understandable assumption to make given that women have breasts and babies need milk from mom’s breasts — breastfeeding really should be that simple and straightforward. But it’s not. It’s complex and complicated and there’s a whole learning curve with it (more below). The most important message new moms and dads need to hear is that: fed is best. Try breastfeeding but if it doesn’t work out for you — do not freak out! There are other options and they’re perfectly fine. Trying to be some perfect breastfeeding goddess is not what being a mom is about. It’s really, realllly not. 

Breastfeeding may be the hardest aspect of having a child. Even harder than labour.  Be warned and be prepared. 

I don’t think enough people talk about breastfeeding and just how difficult it can be for some women. Not to mention every woman has a different experience with breastfeeding so there’s no way to even compare notes. There are so many aspects of breastfeeding that are confusing and it can make a new mom feel like a failure. But you’re not. You’re just figuring things out. 

A few important things to note about breastfeeding: 

• Breastfeeding is awkward and a little painful in the first few days but you get used to it quickly.
• There is a learning curve with breastfeeding. Don’t expect to have it figured out on the first day. It can take up to two weeks to get your bearings straight. Be patient and kind to yourself. 
• Your milk supply doesn’t come in right away. For most women milk comes in on the second or third day after birth. Until then the baby feeds on what is known as colostrum — the first milk produced before breast milk production begins in the body.
• Breastfeeding is also about your hold, technique and the baby’s latch. While at the hospital ask for help and guidance from the maternity nurses each time you feed and/or see a lactation consultant, if required.  
• Ask the nurse or doctor to explain how long baby should feed on each breast and how often to feed baby.
• Also ask how to look out for clogged milk ducts and how to massage them out from your breast. 

Sleep deprivation and lack of sleep is kind of an on-going thing once you’re a parent. It doesn’t magically end after a few months. 

This one hit me like a bus. I just assumed the first three to six months would be the sleep deprivation phase and then the baby would kind of just start sleeping through the night. Isn’t sleeping kind of pre-programmed into every living creature’s brain? Turns out it is not. Most definitely not. Babies and children have to be trained to be good sleepers. Like complex calculus, some get it right away, some take their sweet time, some never do and some just hate it. My toddler is two years old and still wakes up once or twice a night and now I know that it’s quite normal for kids to wake up frequently at night until they’re five or six. What? Say bye-bye to uninterrupted sleep for a little while. 

Asking for help doesn’t make you a bad or weak parent. It actually makes you a better, happier one. 

There’s a reason the saying goes “It takes a village to raise a child”. Because it truly does. Especially when you are a new parent trying to figure life out with a newborn, ask for help. You cannot do everything by yourself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be help with the baby; it can just be ways in which other people can help make your life easier, such as having meals prepared, the house cleaned, the laundry done, the dog walked etc. And if you need help with the baby, just ask for it. Don’t think twice. If you need to sleep or take a shower or just get a break, ask someone to watch the baby while you do what you need to do. I think it’s really hard for new parents to let go of control and let others in, but trust me the sooner you’re able to accept help, the better off you and your family are. 

Being a parent is a lot more fun than you think it’s going to be. It’s not all dirty diapers, milk stains and sleepless nights.  

Let’s preface this one by saying that the first 4-8 weeks of being a new parent are not that fun. You’re stressed, sleep-deprived, scared, exhausted and a whole lot more and while you’re dealing with all this, what’s your darling newborn doing? Sleeping. All. The. Time. 

You might begin to feel frustrated and bored because you can’t really do much with a newborn. But when your baby is about 6-8 weeks old, they become more interactive and things start to become fun. Something as small and simple as seeing your baby smile, giggle, stare into space or even pass gas will be the highlight of your day. Keep interacting with your baby by reading books, showing picture books, talking, singing, going for walks etc. and you’ll slowly see responses and feedback. 

Babies and toddlers have a lot of milestones — first solid meal, first step, first time running, first tooth, first word, first day at school, first swim, first beach trip, first plane ride etc — and as a parent there is so much to look forward to as your kid grows up and you can see personalities (and quirks!) start to develop. 

And lastly (ironically enough), there is nothing anyone can truly say to prepare you for what lies ahead when you become a parent. Be prepared to be completely unprepared. 

This is an interesting and very true fact for anyone who’s about to become a parent: you’ll ask all the right questions, seek endless amounts of advice and listen to all kinds of baby/parent-related stories from other parents in the hopes that all that pre-acquired knowledge will prepare you when it’s your turn…but it doesn’t. Not in the way you would expect it too, anyways. 

Becoming a parent is not just a physical change because suddenly you have this adorable mini human in your life; it’s also an emotional upheaval because everything you thought you knew about life just kind of vanishes in the few moments. You begin this new, incredible and emotional journey as a parent and start to figure out what life is about all over again. And nothing can prepare you for that because there are no words to describe or explain the feeling of becoming a parent. 

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Is there anything you want to add to this list? Please share in the comments below.