Becoming A Parent Did Not Change Who I Am or My Goals and Dreams; It Just Changed The Way I Chose To Do Things. And Why I Ignored Anyone Who Said Otherwise.

If you could see me right now, you might laugh, feel pity, or a bit of both. Let me paint a picture for you: I am currently lying down on my couch with a watermelon-size bump — wrapped in a belly band for support — obstructing the view to my laptop screen as I work and eat my fourth or fifth ‘meal’ of the day — I stopped counting a long time ago. 

Yep, this is what the final weeks of pregnancy look like. Sexy, right? 

So now that I’ve set the scene. I want to make one thing very clear. Yes, I am having a baby (my second one!). Yes, my body has grown. Yes, my life is about to change. Yes, my priorities have shifted. 

But what has not changed? Me. And my personality, dreams, goals, ambitions and values. 

This topic was sparked by a conversation I was having with some friends on how women have to put their lives and dreams on hold for a little while when children come into the picture. And hearing supposedly “supportive” advice and comments from friends, family and others in the vein of basically saying that once a kid comes into the picture, a woman’s personal dreams and life plans suddenly cease to exist. Personally, I find it such a hurtful and dismissive message to be spreading to women who might be hopeful about pursuing their dreams after having kids. The things I wanted before becoming a mom are still the same things I wanted after too. 

I’ve heard all versions of the comments (as I’m sure any other mom reading this has too), which start with “What is the point of…” and end with “because you’ll have a kid and won’t feel like it”, and in one sentence dismiss my dreams and goals. Well, let me tell you “what is the point”. The point is even before getting pregnant and having a child I worked hard to get to where I am in my life. Whether it’s work, higher studies, or family life, I don’t need somebody else telling me how I’ll feel about any of it after becoming a mom. And I find it incredibly dismissive, belittling and disrespectful to boil down hours and days of my effort, time and dedication working on my dreams and goals with a nonchalant “What is the point of [insert personal plan / goal] because you’ll have a kid and won’t feel like it” type of comment or opinion.

After having my first kid, I returned to work full-time (first from home and then in the office a few days a week) and I was pretty sure it was what I wanted. I tried it for 3-4 months and quickly realised I didn’t like being away in an office full-time. But I still enjoyed the kind of work I was doing and want to keep doing it. So I changed the way I worked — I didn’t stop. I decided to launch my blog, do freelance digital media consulting and work-from-home and it’s what I’ve been doing for the last few years. It’s definitely harder because I have to find my own work and income is more scattered. Not to mention creating work/life boundaries at home is more challenging. That being said, I’m still as dedicated as I ever was even before having a kid to continue working — I’m just doing it a bit differently now because I have a growing family to think about and work around. 

At no point did I think “What is the point in continuing to work after having a baby if I don’t want to work full-time?”. So why do others make this assumption and feel the need to voice it? I know sometimes friends and family and even complete strangers (unsolicited advice can come from anyone!) will make these kinds of comments or offer advice with good intentions but unknowingly these very same “words of wisdom” can be potentially hurtful. 

So my plea here to the advice givers: think carefully before any advice is given. And my reminder to the advice seekers: feel free to ignore any advice given.